February 10, 2017 8:38 AM EST
It's about time to write this. I'm ready to put it out there. Que sera, sera. (Whatever will be, will be)
I was a shy child. I made friends, but not easily. It's sort of funny how the bullies hone in on the shy ones. I guess they know we probably won't tell and they'll probably get away with their torture. Such was my life. I was bullied because of my last name. Bullied because I wasn't good athletically. Bullied just because someone needed something to do. Heck, even the gym teacher bullied me. Here's how that went.
In 5th grade we had the uneven bars. My arm strength and overall physical strength wasn't great. I had trouble doing the moves he wanted me to do so he had me do it over and over while the class watched and some laughed. I still remember him laughing and ridiculing me. I did this move so much, that when I got home, I had bruises around my abdomen. This bruising caused massive internal infections and caused me to miss school for quite a while, in horrible pain. That bully faced my parents in the principal's office and he did end up in trouble over it. He's one of the only bullies that ever did catch hell.
The rest were mostly classmates, kids in my school. The ones that did things were relentless. Gradually eroding the foundation of my confidence until there was none left. As such, I didn't go to dances (except once and that was a disaster too), didn't go to school functions, didn't even go to the prom. I was just too lacking in self esteem to think I was worth anything. Yes, I wanted to die. I felt I wasn't worthy to be around anyway. Felt people would be better without me, after all, what could I offer anyone?
It has taken years to build somewhat of a foundation again, my confidence is rocky but is there for the most part. I still have a hard time meeting new people and making friends. That voice still says, "why would they like you? what do you have to offer". It is very, very hard not to listen to that voice when most of your life, people have been cruel.
I had some good friends, yes. However, I never had any there for me in my darkest times. At those times in my life, it was just me. I've always been the sort that, even if a friend let me down over and over, I would still be there. That's something that I've yet to experience. I'm not knocking my friends. Everyone has their own life and back then, we were young and when they were going off having fun, I was sitting at home wanting to go but never being asked. Now you may say, why didn't you just ask or just go? Well, when you think no one wants you around, you don't just go. You don't ask and impose yourself on them. You think, "they don't want me around them, if they did, they would ask me". Gosh how I wanted to be invited.
Why am I writing this now? It is not to get back at the bullies or to make any of my friends feel bad. It is for those that are now going through what I went through and for the ones watching them. For those going through it, hang in there. You are worth it. It will get better over time. That one is hard to believe, I know, I lived it. You are worth it. The bullies are just asshhats that need to berate someone else in order to feel better about themselves.
For those watching. If you see a shy person that doesn't seem to fit in, please try to get to know them. Most likely, they want nothing more than to have a friend. They probably want to go and enjoy the same things you do but are too scared to approach you. Too scared to ask to come along. Maybe they can't dance but gosh they want to learn. Maybe they can't water ski, or whatever else, but just look at them sometime and you will see it in their eyes. That sparkle that says, "show me how to do that, include me in something, please help me". Remember this, you are watching someone die inside and all it takes to save them is the simple thing of showing an interest in them. Of being a friend. Really easy. Just care.
Hoping this helps someone going through it. Hope this helps those that know me know to better understand me.
#memoir
It's about time to write this. I'm ready to put it out there. Que sera, sera. (Whatever will be, will be)
I was a shy child. I made friends, but not easily. It's sort of funny how the bullies hone in on the shy ones. I guess they know we probably won't tell and they'll probably get away with their torture. Such was my life. I was bullied because of my last name. Bullied because I wasn't good athletically. Bullied just because someone needed something to do. Heck, even the gym teacher bullied me. Here's how that went.
In 5th grade we had the uneven bars. My arm strength and overall physical strength wasn't great. I had trouble doing the moves he wanted me to do so he had me do it over and over while the class watched and some laughed. I still remember him laughing and ridiculing me. I did this move so much, that when I got home, I had bruises around my abdomen. This bruising caused massive internal infections and caused me to miss school for quite a while, in horrible pain. That bully faced my parents in the principal's office and he did end up in trouble over it. He's one of the only bullies that ever did catch hell.
The rest were mostly classmates, kids in my school. The ones that did things were relentless. Gradually eroding the foundation of my confidence until there was none left. As such, I didn't go to dances (except once and that was a disaster too), didn't go to school functions, didn't even go to the prom. I was just too lacking in self esteem to think I was worth anything. Yes, I wanted to die. I felt I wasn't worthy to be around anyway. Felt people would be better without me, after all, what could I offer anyone?
It has taken years to build somewhat of a foundation again, my confidence is rocky but is there for the most part. I still have a hard time meeting new people and making friends. That voice still says, "why would they like you? what do you have to offer". It is very, very hard not to listen to that voice when most of your life, people have been cruel.
I had some good friends, yes. However, I never had any there for me in my darkest times. At those times in my life, it was just me. I've always been the sort that, even if a friend let me down over and over, I would still be there. That's something that I've yet to experience. I'm not knocking my friends. Everyone has their own life and back then, we were young and when they were going off having fun, I was sitting at home wanting to go but never being asked. Now you may say, why didn't you just ask or just go? Well, when you think no one wants you around, you don't just go. You don't ask and impose yourself on them. You think, "they don't want me around them, if they did, they would ask me". Gosh how I wanted to be invited.
Why am I writing this now? It is not to get back at the bullies or to make any of my friends feel bad. It is for those that are now going through what I went through and for the ones watching them. For those going through it, hang in there. You are worth it. It will get better over time. That one is hard to believe, I know, I lived it. You are worth it. The bullies are just asshhats that need to berate someone else in order to feel better about themselves.
For those watching. If you see a shy person that doesn't seem to fit in, please try to get to know them. Most likely, they want nothing more than to have a friend. They probably want to go and enjoy the same things you do but are too scared to approach you. Too scared to ask to come along. Maybe they can't dance but gosh they want to learn. Maybe they can't water ski, or whatever else, but just look at them sometime and you will see it in their eyes. That sparkle that says, "show me how to do that, include me in something, please help me". Remember this, you are watching someone die inside and all it takes to save them is the simple thing of showing an interest in them. Of being a friend. Really easy. Just care.
Hoping this helps someone going through it. Hope this helps those that know me know to better understand me.
#memoir
